Empty chairs at the holidays: Learning how to navigate the many faces of grief, during a time of [perceived] joy.

The holidays are upon us, and for some of us, while those around us are filled with joy, we struggle with the sorrow of the empty chair.

The lost loved one.

The family member from whom we are estranged.

That spouse or partner we thought we would be with forever, who decided to leave.

For us, the holidays are different. They become a new journey fraught with triggers – those taps on the shoulder - to remind us of how it was, of how it will no longer be.

We feel sad.

Isolated. Alone. Invisible. Out of step.

We grieve the different. We grieve the change we didn’t ask to have.

But, what if we allowed ourselves the grace to grieve; after all, loss deserves to be mourned, to be experienced. We grieve, because we feel emotions which connect us to the person no longer in our lives. Grief deserves to be felt, and expressed, without the emotions of guilt and shame which often accompany it.

Moreover, what if it was O.K. to allow ourselves duality of emotions? What if we allow the potential to feel sad about what was, and also experience present emotions as well? In other words, affirming the existence of feelings that accompany the longing for what was in our past, and the feelings of the now?

And what if those emotions allowed for the normal uncertainty of what will be, as we transition from the life we knew, to the life we have? To look at the pending holidays as something meant to be different.

This is hard. We must allow ourselves to look forward – which in grief can feel suffocating, overwhelming, unthinkable – even as a betrayal to the loved one lost. And what if looking at the now, gazing our eyes upon what appears right in front of us, rather than reflecting through our mind’s eye upon the abyss of ‘what if’s,’ or ‘would a/could a/should a’s,’ is also O.K.?

Simply to learn to breathe again. To take just one step again. To walk with our loss, in what feels O.K. for us, in that moment.

For some, it means providing testimony during the holiday season, and beyond. Talking about their loved one. Sharing stories with others who had the gift of knowing them, or telling stories to those who never did.

For others, it means engaging in a meaningful endeavor to honor the loved one. Volunteering for an organization or cause which was meaningful for the loved one. Following a tradition they enjoyed.

And for others, it means acknowledging special items or things, (linking objects) to remember their loved one, and connect with them.

All are most important, and very treasured ways to connect, provide testimony, and honor one’s treasured history with different now - especially during the holiday season.

The reality is, there are many self-help books on grief. There is no manual on how to grieve. Yet, someday, we will each get to grieve, in our own individual way, in our determination of time.

Supports can be wonderful. They can also be smothering. If you choose a support, choose one who can walk with you, at your speed, for what you need in the moment. And, [and this is important], not everyone knows what to say to someone who is grieving, so sometimes it is helpful to tell the support person what you think you need. Remember, as we all grieve differently, the way your support person has grieved, or is grieving, may work well for them, and not for you! All good, as we all get to grieve in our own ways.

The holiday season can be very challenging when walking a journey with grief, and, it can also be a time to honor those feelings, and make choices as to how to walk with them.

© 2025: Donna J Clarke/Integrative Pathways Counseling, LLC. All rights reserved