Walking with those who grieve: Finding space to be present and offer comfort when we are sharing and participating in grief.

With the holiday season fast approaching, many of us are navigating experiences with others who are walking with grief. Friends, family members and acquaintances, whose life journeys have shifted, and who now get to walk a road very different than what they had planned.

And, while we may feel the need to assist, how do we provide comfort and presence, while experiencing the grief ourselves? How do we distinguish our grief from theirs? How do we attend to our own grief, while also being present to honor the grief of the other person?

First it is very important to recognize that each grief experience is unique. While we might attend to grief in a specific manner, others may navigate their grief very differently. Although we may not grieve the same way, we do grieve in our individual way. Recognizing and honoring that difference is important in maintaining clear and caring boundaries in grief.

Second, if going to the home of one who is grieving, it is often O.K. to ‘let them lead’ so to speak. We often feel uncomfortable spending time in the silence of grief, yet sometimes silence is where the other person needs to be.

Other times, the griever may desire to share stories or anecdotes of their loved one. It is important to be where they are regarding the loss. This is not the time to ‘correct the record.’ As the person in grief shared testimony, it can be very helpful for them to know there is a witness to hear, without judgement, the memories they hold.

Additionally, oftentimes, it can be so very difficult to ask for help, especially when walking a journey of grief. It can be such a relief when a person who is supportive provides an offer – whether it be doing a laundry, or picking up other family members, or even tidying the home. These often unthought-of, seemingly ‘mundane’ tasks can be a lifeline for someone grieving. At the holiday season, these tasks can prove to be truly a gift.

Perhaps often overlooked is the self-care for the person in grief, who might be tending to another person in grief. You see, grief does not occur in a vacuum. A person loses a parent and learns to walk with the grief, while at the same time, the surviving parent has lost a spouse – a life partner – and must learn to walk a different path, while the siblings of the deceased must learn to walk with the loss of a sibling, grandchildren with one less grandparent, and so on. When we are grieving, as well as caring for those grieving, we often forget to tend to ourselves. Self-care is not selfish. It allows us to refill our own batteries toward caring for others without draining ourselves to a place where we become vulnerable to a kind of burn out. Tend to the self to tend to the others.

The holiday season can be a challenging time. Yet with supports from those who provide a calm caring presence, it can also become a time of profound gratitude.

© 2025: Donna J Clarke/Integrative Pathways Counseling, LLC. All rights reserved.