Stressed!

For so many of us, when we are feeling stressed, the last thing we want to hear from a friend or loved one are the words ‘calm down.’

Let’s face it, that is just unhelpful! After all, stressful things are stressful! So, perhaps a more effective question might be, ‘what, in this moment, do you think you might need?’

In other words, what are ways [tools and strategies] to allow us to navigate those stressors, without feeling swallowed up by them? And yet, in the throes of anxiety, that might be very hard to express! So where do we start?

Perhaps the first thing to explore is what constructs make us feel unsafe or uncertain? Is it the perception of feeling out of control? Could it be a feeling of rejection or failure? Are we apprehensive about potential pain or suffering? Is it the unknown components of the situation which are so stressful?

If we are able to recognize the constructs of where the anxiety or anxious moments are coming from, we can ‘challenge’ the triggers or stressors with data points to reduce them.

For example, if one is feeling anxious regarding a pending educational exam, and they explore what the construct of that feeling might be, and connect with feeling out of control, one can challenge that with the data points surrounding areas in which we have control. Perhaps we know what to topics to study. Perhaps we know when and where the exam is, or the length in time pertaining to the exam, etcetera.

If, as another example, we determine the construct of anxiety is surrounding the unknown, we can use the same tool, gathering the data, to explore what we do know – the knowns, as it were - thus ‘challenging’ the anxiety. Perhaps we know the topics being covered in the exam. Perhaps we know the style of questions – essay, multiple choice, etcetera. Perhaps we know the value of the exam as component of the total grade.

Taking the same exam scenario, and exploring it from the construct of failure, we can again ‘challenge’ the anxiety with data, this time by examining the data regarding history of actual failing of an exam, versus perceived failure through difference regarding expectation and outcome, thus reducing the triggers impacting anxiety.

In this way, we are teasing out if one is experiencing a feeling, or navigating a thought – in response to a feeling. For example, if I am running late for work, I might feel as if I am out of control, yet am I? Perhaps I left on time, and there is traffic. I may not be able to control the traffic, yet I can control what I choose to do about it. Perhaps I call my office and let them know I am running late. Perhaps I take a different route to my office. Perhaps I listen to music or a podcast to help reduce the anxiety, perhaps I use this as an opportunity to frontload and plan to allow additional time to get to work [if this is a recurring event]. Engaging in actionable endeavors can often reduce the feeling, as we can then use that action as data points toward increased presence and reduction of the potential triggers.

Remember, stressful things are stressful. They are supposed to be! We can reduce the stress by recognizing the constructs – triggers – which exacerbate them.

 © 2025: Donna J Clarke/Integrative Pathways Counseling, LLC. All rights reserved.