The Art of Self-Advocacy

The opportunity to assert thoughts and feelings through self-advocacy can feel extremely overwhelming, and yet can feel so empowering when successfully attempted. Self-advocacy in a calm and deliberate manner can create clear individual boundaries toward stronger, healthier relationships. Not through volume, but through caring, compassionate, curious communication, while allowing space for the other person to engage within their individual skillset, and from their experiences. Yet, the ability to confidently assert, can feel overwhelming, even disingenuous, if you are one who tends to step back and not self-advocate. So how does one learn the skill – the art – of self-advocacy?

First, if you are one who chooses to step back, rather than self-advocate, honor that awareness. Decide if it’s the path you seek to continue to venture upon. If not, begin by engaging with people from a place of curiosity, rather than acquiescence. Being curious about other people, and utilizing dialogue from that curiosity, can lead to a more affirming, productive outcome.

Second, choose your assertion. Some things are worthy of self-advocating, while other things might not be. Being self-aware, also means being aware of those boundaries we seek to maintain, or potentially shift. It is important to note that we feel stresses when we perceive a boundary is crossed after the boundary has been crossed. In fact, we often do not realize a boundary until it has been crossed, and self-advocating with respect to that boundary is difficult when calm; it is even harder when coming from our triggered brains. Take 90 seconds, step back, utilize some breath work such as 4/7/8 breathing, and consider the boundary crossing. Was it something previously discussed? Was it something new to even you? Once the source of the boundary crossing is understood, you can determine the path toward self-advocacy. You might say: ‘hey I don’t know if I ever mentioned this before, and I am finding this is important to me…’ or ‘I think I may have shared this important boundary for me.’

Third, be aware of your inner critic. Be mindful of the self-smack-down and give yourself some grace. Self-advocacy is hard and a skill improved out of presence and practice. As with any change, it may feel uncomfortable – until it becomes fluid. That’s O.K., after all, all things we begin must start at the beginning!

 © 2025: Donna J Clarke/Integrative Pathways Counseling, LLC. All rights reserved.