The Many Faces of Grief

Grief is defined, according to Google, as ‘deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.’ Google defines mourning as ‘the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died, typically involving following certain conventions, such as wearing black.’ [Source: Google].

What a grossly oversimplified, and for so many, inaccurate definition of a life course change which is all encompassing, overwhelming, and incomprehensible. Firstly, this definition navigates the construct of grief and mourning solely through the lens of death as the ending or outcome. What of those who are grieving the loved one who is dying, where the ultimate end of life might be a relief and the journey is the process toward healing and reconciliation. What of the loved one navigating the complicated grief due to the death of a loved one caused by someone else, and considerations regarding forgiveness or helpless or even guilt accompany the journey. What of the grief which comes through family estrangement, where resolution is ever elusive and the new normal exists within the chasm of the unknown - the unresolved. These forms of grief create scenarios in which the construct of mourning, or the ways in which we might show or demonstrate our grief might be changed or not outwardly expressed, out of fear of uncertainty as to how it might be received.

Let’s face it; societal norms have placed new markers on grief, and mourning. For someone whose loved one was long lived, society tells us the grief is limited as he or she was long-lived. As if the value of a person lost is different simply because of age. For those for whom a pet is a family member, society tells us that grief is temporary, to be resolved subsequent to the purchase of another pet, as if the replacement could resolve the grief which accompanies the loss of a pet who provides unconditional love. For those who have lost a child, society might offer an end to grief through informing the griever of peace through another pregnancy or child, as if they are simply exchangeable.

It appears society has normalized the avoidance of grief, as opposed to the reality or normality of the grief and morning process. Death is scary. It happens to us all. As Kessler states: ‘Grief is the only club in which we all get to become a member.’ We grieve because we love. We all get to grieve, and mourn our losses, in our ways, whether that loss is due to sudden death, prolonged journey to death, death of someone long or short lived, a family member, friend, personality or pet

Whether through death, system estrangement or divorce, grief is something we navigate by virtue of the act of mourning. This act occurs because as we have loved, so must we mourn – through expression, through deed, through action. Grief needs a witness. Mourning deserves to be heard, validated, respected. Isolation continues the darkness of grief. Expression allows the light of mourning to lead to a feeling of lessoning isolation, reduced helplessness, and validation.

How does one walk through grief. Perhaps it is through learning to walk with grief, ever slowly, understanding that in those times we simply move from moment to moment, with no plan, no goal, except to take one step.

Just one step.

To allow the shifting of weight – metaphorically, spiritually, and physically.

Just to experience the shift.

One moment at a time. One breath at a time. One step at a time.

As we enter into the changing seasons, many are navigating grief – mourning. As the days get shorter we are sometimes reminded of the passage of time, lost moments, memories, loved ones. Give the memories light. Provide validation to the memory. Share with a family member, friend or peer. Take one step. And if the step seems really hard, Therapy can help one gain a new footing.

You see, it is not about learning to walk again, you already knew how to do that. It is about learning to walk anew, and that can make all the difference.