'The Waiting is the Hardest Part.'

There is a song by the late Tom Petty entitled ‘The Waiting Is the Hardest Part.’ When walking the journey of anticipatory grief, especially with someone we know is dying, those words are especially resonating. What to say to our loved one, how to respond, how to interact with the person who is dying, can be uncomfortable and daunting to say the least. Often, we are in a different grief place than the person who is dying. He or she may have come to terms with a diagnosis, or the finality of life, while we are still struggling with that same reality. Sometimes the greatest we can have with a loved one journeying with fewer days to come, is to sit with them, where they are, from a place of presence and gratitude. It can also sometimes feel helpful to lean in to the person navigating their remaining time, from where they are, as they get the power and opportunity to lead in this journey. Of course, when the person might be struggling with a form of cognitive decline, this becomes especially difficult, as being present with your loved one is, over time more difficult. Yet, as we walk with our loved one, rather than for our loved one, it can sometimes feel less daunting, as we are meeting them where they are, and not our vision of where they should be.

This Anticipatory grief is also especially challenging [not that all grief isn’t challenging!] because we often have well-wishers and supports offer words that are simply unhelpful, albeit out of a loving or kind heart. It simply doesn’t help us to be told our loved one ‘lived a good life,’ we should ‘feel grateful for the memories,’ or ‘soon he or she won’t be suffering.’ So many struggle with feelings of guilt, desiring their loved one to no longer suffer, and having the awareness that for that desire to be fulfilled, the loved one will ultimately die; truly an untenable realization, and negotiation for our brains.

Support groups can be helpful, as can therapy, toward walking with this deep challenge, helplessness, and pain. Additionally, if one is the caregiver for a loved one toward his or her journey’s end, self-care is very important. Care for the care-giver is paramount. Grief, particularly the anticipatory grief which accompanies the walk we sometimes take with our loved ones who are dying, can feel all absorbing, as if we are drowning in the awareness of time, ever present, as well as for some, the realization that for too long we were not present to enjoy the time we had, busy living our life for the next event, car pool, or work meeting. Someone once said, ‘Sometimes we take things one month at a time, sometimes we take things one day at a time, sometimes we take things one hour at a time, sometimes we take things minute by minute…it’s all O.K.’ In the journey of anticipatory grief, minute to minute is O.K., too.’

 © 2025: Donna J Clarke/Integrative Pathways Counseling, LLC. All rights reserved.