When a loved one walks away: Navigating the grief and trauma of estrangement.

According to recent studies, at least 1 in 4 families are struggling with estrangement. In fact, according to a study from Cornell University [2020] that statistic might be as high as 40 percent, meaning 40 per cent of families are navigating or have navigated family estrangement. The grief which accompanies family estrangement is overwhelming, as if the breath you seek to take is simply too far away to gasp. Often, the grief is left unheard. When shared, it can feel undervalued, and unmet. All too often, this is the grief which is unspoken, silently suffered.

In a vacuum.

Isolated, feeling alone.

Grief needs a witness. Grief has earned her voice.

Grief is the process which confirms the existence of love. When that loved one walks away, and the relationship is lost by choice, the grief becomes complicated with the unanswerable questions which accompany feelings of abandonment. Loss clings to self-doubt. Pain pairs with confusion. Memories become blurred with the reality of a present-facing loss not due to death, but due to another’s choice… a choice the griever cannot control. There exists a dissonance in the navigation of such a loss. To be sure, sometimes, in the case of truly toxic or abusive relationships, the need to walk away is evident. And yet, more and more, family members and partners are stepping away due to ideological differences, or philosophical perspectives, or differing opinions regarding politics. These estrangements can cause permanent and deep wounds, and can shake a family system to its core. 

Grief is complicated. Grief is muddy. Grief grabs at the heart and clutches the soul. Grief refuses to let go.

Grief can be soothed by being heard, validated and understood.

Grief wants to exist in the darkness. Light provides comfort in grief. Finding comfort with the two realities co-existing may also provide healing. The estranged relationship may have had amazing memories – as well as the reality of the person walking away.

Both can co-exist.

Sometimes it can be helpful to turn your grief toward meaning through engagements with others who might be in need. Not all things can be reconciled. Not all life events are tidy and neat, residing comfortably in our history. Some things are raw, and hard, and require our attention and compassion. Grief requires our attention and compassion. If you know someone who is grieving, find some attention and compassion for them.  If you are one who is grieving, find some attention and compassion for yourself. And, if you need help, find supports and resources, a grief group, or grief therapist. That first step is hard, and it may prove to be the most meaningful of all.

  © 2025: Donna J Clarke/Integrative Pathways Counseling, LLC. All rights reserved.